Hello, it’s me! I’m one of those moms! My 2.5 year old is so thirsty for knowledge that I got a preschool homeschool curriculum for us to do together as inspiration for activities. I used the Peaceful Preschool because it was made by a Catholic grandma! I agree it sounds silly. I was a Montessori teacher so we were already doing all the things (he could probably bake a cake without me at this point) because I just really enjoy the education aspect. My thinking is: if a child CAN learn it and WANTS to learn it, he should be given the opportunity! That being said he spends most of his time naked, outside, in the mud, like a 2.5 year old boy ought to be.
I so appreciate your candor and no-nonsense approach to these super important and overlooked issues. As you have no doubt experienced, it can really rub people the wrong way, but I think dancing around issues and sugarcoating things doesn't really do us any favors. Keep up the good work and thank you for speaking up and speaking out so fearlessly!
Just an anecdote but if you look at a city like New York in which nearly every child goes to "pre-school" you can objectively see that the programs have no intellectual benefit. Very few NYC school children operate anywhere near grade level, despite spending nearly all of their waking hours since birth in institutionalized care.
I think you are spot on, but I would urge you go into more depth with Kindergarten. Kindergarten is the new 3rd grade....and I'm saying this as a SAHM to now 21 and 23 year olds. The problems with Kindergarten are too numerous to count. My children had to know 50 sight words BEFORE they entered public Kindergarten or they risked being held back. There are no more toys and play sets and the mini playgrounds outside of the "pods" disappeared. They sit at desks all day and only get up to change "stations" for the next academic activity. They go to the cafeteria for lunch and need to navigate the lunch line, payment and clean up which only leaves some kids 7.5 minutes to eat their awful lunch. Recess is only 20-25 minutes and only if they are quick and quiet. Asking to go to the bathroom is deemed a disruption of the academics that need to be covered (kidney stones in children have increased).
They follow a schedule much like that of middle school students, changing classrooms throughout the day (gym, art, music, computer lab, math/ELA differentiation). Gone is free play. Gone is circle time with the teacher reading books. Gone are the toys and the children's music. If a child enters K without going to Daycare or Pre-school, they are doomed to "fail" in the current system. And don't even get me started on the standardized testing that they expect Kindergartners to take and navigate!
I agree! My daughter is nearly 21 now. She is on the autism spectrum and was in mainstream kindergarten. I had no patience with kindergarten and the expectations placed upon all the children. My husband and I removed her from public education after a few stressful months. The principal tried to reason with me that I would need breaks from her. Baloney! They were going to loose her funding. She came home and we chilled for a few months to undo the damage. We played and I read to her a lot.
We ended up relocating to England for five years where her education took off. Home education and my husband accepting his overseas job offer were a couple of the best decisions we ever made.
I was thinking about how my generation has parents calling daycare "school," probably as a way to help themselves feel better about not having a parent at home to care for the child(ren). Things like structured activities, outdoor playtime, meals, etc. can also be done at home the same way they're done at daycare. It's not like kids can't get enrichment activities at home, but the implied argument is that the enrichment is *better* at daycare.
It’s a MAJOR problem that we do not take sleep seriously in this country, for adults too. But learning how to sleep in the early years can set you up for a lifetime of good health. Also, many behavior problems with young children are nothing more than sleep deprivation and parents’ inability to make the connection between the two— not because they’re dumb, but because no one ever talks about or stresses the significance of sleep so they honestly don’t even know.
Teens are the ones that are the most sleep deprived. Government high schools for some reason, at least by me start the earliest. 7-730am. Teens, participate in school sports or other activities, have jobs. They are lucky to get to bed by 10-11 at night. HS should start at like 10 or 11 am. If it did I guarantee you’d see major improvements in outcomes.
I was a stay-at-home mom and would have LOVED my kids to nap daily until they were five...but alas, I was not blessed with that sort of children. Child #1 always seemed to sleep less than than the books recommended. However, she was fine with a daily "quiet time" in her room; if she wasn't sleepy enough to nap she could look at books or play quietly with her toys. That worked well for her; she didn't seem to need to sleep most days, but she did benefit from a low-stimulation time. She also was later diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, so it made sense why she welcomed a quiet period of time with lights out and shades pulled down.
Child #2 was difficult to settle down for a nap; and when she woke up she was always extremely grumpy and miserable for a few hours afterwards. This made sense, as she was also extraordinarily difficult to settle down for bed and had a lot of trouble falling asleep, and was always crabby and miserable in the morning no matter how well she had slept. She was later diagnosed with severe ADHD and is still a terrible sleeper at the age of 23. In her case, it was just not worth it to try to get her to nap - it was better to push through and put her to bed very early. I tried to do a daily "quiet time" with her, like I did with her older sister, but she didn't seem to understand the idea of "quiet," and like most ADHD kids the only way she could amuse herself for more than fifty-four seconds was when she was doing something extremely messy, dangerous or otherwise forbidden. So, I resorted to reading a chapter book to her in the afternoons. I had hoped that it would bore her enough so she'd fall asleep, but that rarely happened. However, it did provide her with a bit of downtime, even if she was not asleep. Of course, it meant I couldn't get anything done during that time, but it at least kept her from destroying the house and antagonizing her siblings during that time.
Child #3 was the lone neurotypical one, who had normal sleep rhythms, settled down easily and woke up happy and rested. Alas, by the time she came around, her older sisters had swim lessons and dance class and things like that in the afternoons, so her naps were often in the car or in the stroller. It was sort of surreal having a normal kid, after two extremely challenging ones.
Ahhhh I’m glad to see this comment because my toddler is also going through the no-nap transition way too early. But he won’t sleep at night! We breastslept for the first year of his life and now he wants to find me when he wakes but I’m so done with cosleeping. I’m tired. My second baby isn’t getting the benefit of cosleeping because I can’t do it anymore. Sleep sucks over here.
Really? My 3 year old stopped napping on her own…I don’t remember napping much after age 3 and yes I recall occasionally napping at 4 years old. I have some long term memories.
My only regret in life is listening to the culture and putting my first child in daycare. I came home after the second and followed the above for both of them from that point on. Their both good men, launched and successful, but the these eldest still has not bonded or even dated and the younger one, the one who got to be home with Mom as a baby, is in a beautiful, healthy relationship.
Great article Suzanne! Since moving to America from Scandinavia, I knew immediately I wanted to stay home with the kids. Pushing against the culture of “are your kids in school?” And me saying: “No, I have them at home” has been so liberating. Especially observing people’s reactions. They are 9 months, 2, and 4. No homeschooling yet, no activities yet. Just loving every minute and being so so grateful to be the mother, I always wanted to be. Thanks for all your work Suzanne. Been following you for years!
I've only left my daughter (now just past two) with grandma or grandpa, for really serious things like going to the dentist or the hospital. She handled that just fine because it was also mostly in our home and she saw it as extended playtime. I can't imagine leaving her all day with strangers in a strange environment.
I’m curious do her grandparents also work at building a strong relationship with her when you’re around ?
My boy who just turned 2 is not okay with being away from mom or dad ( even with family but truthfully they don’t spend time / build a relationship with him very often ) and I’m left to feel by soo many people like something is so wrong with the way I’m parenting 😣I realize I shouldn’t feel pressured but It feels so rare to be reminded by posts like these compared to people thinking I’m doing a disservice by having him home with me
Well she sees her grandpa every day (he lives down the road) so yeah she felt really safe with him. My mom lives very far away but we call and video chat a lot and when I left my daughter with my mom it was a couple of days after she arrived to stay for two weeks so my daughter was sufficiently warmed up to her (this was also a crises time as we had to play musical chairs: hospital visitor edition from a hotel).
I take her nearly everywhere with me but occasionally take advantage of hubby being home to run errands without dealing with a car seat. It's the car seat I hate when running brief errands, not having her along.
My alternative care practitioner says she's the most attachment-secure, well-adjusted child she sees (when she comes along with me) -- and this is from a pool of largely homeschooling, stay-at-home moms who also choose not to vaccinate at higher rates.
I'm trying to strike the balance of neither hovering nor pushing her away, and it seems to be working. 🤷🏼♀️
Don't worry what anyone says. Mother attachment is normal, natural, and good for the child.
Full day Kindergarten is legally required in many states, so good luck to pulling your kid out every day after lunch. If you want half-day Kindergarten, you'll have to homeschool it.
I want to gently add some nuance here for readers.
Developmental science doesn’t show that daycare itself “disrupts attachment.” What matters most is caregiver sensitivity, stability, and the overall stress context around a child, including how supported the parents are.
Fear-based narratives tend to increase parental stress, which is something we know affects children.
This is true, which is why daycare is precisely why is the wrong environment, as it cannot provide the stability children need due to sheer numbers alone and, more importantly, the high caregiver turnover rate for which daycare centers are notorious. Moreover, there is no more stressful environment than a home with two full-time working parents of children under 5 who are being shuttled around like cattle and placed in loud, overstimulating institutions.
I hear the concern about stability and turnover, those are real variables worth talking about. But it’s a leap to move from “some daycare settings struggle with these issues” to “daycare is inherently the wrong environment.”
The evidence doesn’t support a blanket claim like that. What predicts outcomes isn’t the category (daycare vs home), but the quality of care, continuity of relationships, and the broader stress ecology around the child and family.
It’s also not accurate to frame working-parent households as inherently more stressful for children. Financial insecurity, parental burnout, isolation, and lack of support are major stressors and for many families, daycare reduces those pressures.
When we describe families as “shuttling children like cattle” or childcare settings as uniformly harmful, we’re no longer discussing developmental science, we’re moralizing structural constraints. That kind of framing tends to increase parental anxiety without offering realistic solutions, which is something we do know affects children.
This argument only works if you assume that all homes are calm, healthy places for young children. That just isn’t reality. Many families are under serious economic and emotional strain. For some kids, daycare provides stability, structure, and attentive adults they might not consistently have at home.
The implication that mothers are harming their children by using daycare is especially troubling. There is nothing morally wrong with women wanting to continue their careers after becoming mothers, and for many families, working isn’t a choice—it’s a financial necessity. Treating early childcare as a parenting failure ignores both economic reality and the benefits that high-quality childcare can provide.
“Treating early childcare as a parenting failure ignores both economic reality and the benefits that high-quality childcare can provide.”
It’s a failure of our culture and society! But, not directly addressing the issue with the ones who have the choice doesn’t help. Unlike what our culture teaches, sex is not without consequences!
What some don’t realize is how little some daycare employees really do like children. I volunteered at a daycare in high school because I did love kids, and what I saw was a big reason I decided early not to send my future kids to one if I could help it. “Teachers” spent the vast majority of the day on their phones, ignoring destructive behavior, barely reacting when a child wanted to show off their craft or new trick, and often putting a movie on to make everyone just be quiet and leave them alone. I am not saying all daycares are like this, but it is absolutely vital that parents actually meet the employees and get an idea of what a day there really looks like. Just because the forward-facing staff seems wonderful and caring, does not mean that it’s translating to the actual care for the children.
I once heard a mom say she was home-schooling her two year old! I had to laugh…it’s called raising your child!
Sometimes that’s a defensive statement to all of the other parents asking why your kid isn’t in preschool or daycare.
Exactly!
Hello, it’s me! I’m one of those moms! My 2.5 year old is so thirsty for knowledge that I got a preschool homeschool curriculum for us to do together as inspiration for activities. I used the Peaceful Preschool because it was made by a Catholic grandma! I agree it sounds silly. I was a Montessori teacher so we were already doing all the things (he could probably bake a cake without me at this point) because I just really enjoy the education aspect. My thinking is: if a child CAN learn it and WANTS to learn it, he should be given the opportunity! That being said he spends most of his time naked, outside, in the mud, like a 2.5 year old boy ought to be.
I love it! Sounds like you’re enjoying your son as you should and are not taking yourselves too seriously.
I'm reading comments such as this everyday on homeschooling groups. The pressure to 'educate' infants is huge right now in society.
I so appreciate your candor and no-nonsense approach to these super important and overlooked issues. As you have no doubt experienced, it can really rub people the wrong way, but I think dancing around issues and sugarcoating things doesn't really do us any favors. Keep up the good work and thank you for speaking up and speaking out so fearlessly!
It's name is really "Day Orphanage "
Just an anecdote but if you look at a city like New York in which nearly every child goes to "pre-school" you can objectively see that the programs have no intellectual benefit. Very few NYC school children operate anywhere near grade level, despite spending nearly all of their waking hours since birth in institutionalized care.
I think you are spot on, but I would urge you go into more depth with Kindergarten. Kindergarten is the new 3rd grade....and I'm saying this as a SAHM to now 21 and 23 year olds. The problems with Kindergarten are too numerous to count. My children had to know 50 sight words BEFORE they entered public Kindergarten or they risked being held back. There are no more toys and play sets and the mini playgrounds outside of the "pods" disappeared. They sit at desks all day and only get up to change "stations" for the next academic activity. They go to the cafeteria for lunch and need to navigate the lunch line, payment and clean up which only leaves some kids 7.5 minutes to eat their awful lunch. Recess is only 20-25 minutes and only if they are quick and quiet. Asking to go to the bathroom is deemed a disruption of the academics that need to be covered (kidney stones in children have increased).
They follow a schedule much like that of middle school students, changing classrooms throughout the day (gym, art, music, computer lab, math/ELA differentiation). Gone is free play. Gone is circle time with the teacher reading books. Gone are the toys and the children's music. If a child enters K without going to Daycare or Pre-school, they are doomed to "fail" in the current system. And don't even get me started on the standardized testing that they expect Kindergartners to take and navigate!
I agree! My daughter is nearly 21 now. She is on the autism spectrum and was in mainstream kindergarten. I had no patience with kindergarten and the expectations placed upon all the children. My husband and I removed her from public education after a few stressful months. The principal tried to reason with me that I would need breaks from her. Baloney! They were going to loose her funding. She came home and we chilled for a few months to undo the damage. We played and I read to her a lot.
We ended up relocating to England for five years where her education took off. Home education and my husband accepting his overseas job offer were a couple of the best decisions we ever made.
My daughter almost didn't get into (private school) kindergarten because she couldn't cut straight with scissors. 😅😅😅
Play is how we learn! Thank you Peter Gray for your work explaining this to modern parents.
I was thinking about how my generation has parents calling daycare "school," probably as a way to help themselves feel better about not having a parent at home to care for the child(ren). Things like structured activities, outdoor playtime, meals, etc. can also be done at home the same way they're done at daycare. It's not like kids can't get enrichment activities at home, but the implied argument is that the enrichment is *better* at daycare.
Parents are getting rid of naps prematurely. I’ve heard they stop napping as early as 3.
It’s a MAJOR problem that we do not take sleep seriously in this country, for adults too. But learning how to sleep in the early years can set you up for a lifetime of good health. Also, many behavior problems with young children are nothing more than sleep deprivation and parents’ inability to make the connection between the two— not because they’re dumb, but because no one ever talks about or stresses the significance of sleep so they honestly don’t even know.
Teens are the ones that are the most sleep deprived. Government high schools for some reason, at least by me start the earliest. 7-730am. Teens, participate in school sports or other activities, have jobs. They are lucky to get to bed by 10-11 at night. HS should start at like 10 or 11 am. If it did I guarantee you’d see major improvements in outcomes.
Absolutely
I’m at war with mouth breathing and noisy sleep for my whole family!
I was a stay-at-home mom and would have LOVED my kids to nap daily until they were five...but alas, I was not blessed with that sort of children. Child #1 always seemed to sleep less than than the books recommended. However, she was fine with a daily "quiet time" in her room; if she wasn't sleepy enough to nap she could look at books or play quietly with her toys. That worked well for her; she didn't seem to need to sleep most days, but she did benefit from a low-stimulation time. She also was later diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum, so it made sense why she welcomed a quiet period of time with lights out and shades pulled down.
Child #2 was difficult to settle down for a nap; and when she woke up she was always extremely grumpy and miserable for a few hours afterwards. This made sense, as she was also extraordinarily difficult to settle down for bed and had a lot of trouble falling asleep, and was always crabby and miserable in the morning no matter how well she had slept. She was later diagnosed with severe ADHD and is still a terrible sleeper at the age of 23. In her case, it was just not worth it to try to get her to nap - it was better to push through and put her to bed very early. I tried to do a daily "quiet time" with her, like I did with her older sister, but she didn't seem to understand the idea of "quiet," and like most ADHD kids the only way she could amuse herself for more than fifty-four seconds was when she was doing something extremely messy, dangerous or otherwise forbidden. So, I resorted to reading a chapter book to her in the afternoons. I had hoped that it would bore her enough so she'd fall asleep, but that rarely happened. However, it did provide her with a bit of downtime, even if she was not asleep. Of course, it meant I couldn't get anything done during that time, but it at least kept her from destroying the house and antagonizing her siblings during that time.
Child #3 was the lone neurotypical one, who had normal sleep rhythms, settled down easily and woke up happy and rested. Alas, by the time she came around, her older sisters had swim lessons and dance class and things like that in the afternoons, so her naps were often in the car or in the stroller. It was sort of surreal having a normal kid, after two extremely challenging ones.
Ahhhh I’m glad to see this comment because my toddler is also going through the no-nap transition way too early. But he won’t sleep at night! We breastslept for the first year of his life and now he wants to find me when he wakes but I’m so done with cosleeping. I’m tired. My second baby isn’t getting the benefit of cosleeping because I can’t do it anymore. Sleep sucks over here.
Really? My 3 year old stopped napping on her own…I don’t remember napping much after age 3 and yes I recall occasionally napping at 4 years old. I have some long term memories.
My only regret in life is listening to the culture and putting my first child in daycare. I came home after the second and followed the above for both of them from that point on. Their both good men, launched and successful, but the these eldest still has not bonded or even dated and the younger one, the one who got to be home with Mom as a baby, is in a beautiful, healthy relationship.
Great article Suzanne! Since moving to America from Scandinavia, I knew immediately I wanted to stay home with the kids. Pushing against the culture of “are your kids in school?” And me saying: “No, I have them at home” has been so liberating. Especially observing people’s reactions. They are 9 months, 2, and 4. No homeschooling yet, no activities yet. Just loving every minute and being so so grateful to be the mother, I always wanted to be. Thanks for all your work Suzanne. Been following you for years!
I call it prison. You have no autonomy...need permission to do anything.
I've only left my daughter (now just past two) with grandma or grandpa, for really serious things like going to the dentist or the hospital. She handled that just fine because it was also mostly in our home and she saw it as extended playtime. I can't imagine leaving her all day with strangers in a strange environment.
I’m curious do her grandparents also work at building a strong relationship with her when you’re around ?
My boy who just turned 2 is not okay with being away from mom or dad ( even with family but truthfully they don’t spend time / build a relationship with him very often ) and I’m left to feel by soo many people like something is so wrong with the way I’m parenting 😣I realize I shouldn’t feel pressured but It feels so rare to be reminded by posts like these compared to people thinking I’m doing a disservice by having him home with me
Well she sees her grandpa every day (he lives down the road) so yeah she felt really safe with him. My mom lives very far away but we call and video chat a lot and when I left my daughter with my mom it was a couple of days after she arrived to stay for two weeks so my daughter was sufficiently warmed up to her (this was also a crises time as we had to play musical chairs: hospital visitor edition from a hotel).
I take her nearly everywhere with me but occasionally take advantage of hubby being home to run errands without dealing with a car seat. It's the car seat I hate when running brief errands, not having her along.
My alternative care practitioner says she's the most attachment-secure, well-adjusted child she sees (when she comes along with me) -- and this is from a pool of largely homeschooling, stay-at-home moms who also choose not to vaccinate at higher rates.
I'm trying to strike the balance of neither hovering nor pushing her away, and it seems to be working. 🤷🏼♀️
Don't worry what anyone says. Mother attachment is normal, natural, and good for the child.
Full day Kindergarten is legally required in many states, so good luck to pulling your kid out every day after lunch. If you want half-day Kindergarten, you'll have to homeschool it.
I want to gently add some nuance here for readers.
Developmental science doesn’t show that daycare itself “disrupts attachment.” What matters most is caregiver sensitivity, stability, and the overall stress context around a child, including how supported the parents are.
Fear-based narratives tend to increase parental stress, which is something we know affects children.
This is true, which is why daycare is precisely why is the wrong environment, as it cannot provide the stability children need due to sheer numbers alone and, more importantly, the high caregiver turnover rate for which daycare centers are notorious. Moreover, there is no more stressful environment than a home with two full-time working parents of children under 5 who are being shuttled around like cattle and placed in loud, overstimulating institutions.
I hear the concern about stability and turnover, those are real variables worth talking about. But it’s a leap to move from “some daycare settings struggle with these issues” to “daycare is inherently the wrong environment.”
The evidence doesn’t support a blanket claim like that. What predicts outcomes isn’t the category (daycare vs home), but the quality of care, continuity of relationships, and the broader stress ecology around the child and family.
It’s also not accurate to frame working-parent households as inherently more stressful for children. Financial insecurity, parental burnout, isolation, and lack of support are major stressors and for many families, daycare reduces those pressures.
When we describe families as “shuttling children like cattle” or childcare settings as uniformly harmful, we’re no longer discussing developmental science, we’re moralizing structural constraints. That kind of framing tends to increase parental anxiety without offering realistic solutions, which is something we do know affects children.
This argument only works if you assume that all homes are calm, healthy places for young children. That just isn’t reality. Many families are under serious economic and emotional strain. For some kids, daycare provides stability, structure, and attentive adults they might not consistently have at home.
The implication that mothers are harming their children by using daycare is especially troubling. There is nothing morally wrong with women wanting to continue their careers after becoming mothers, and for many families, working isn’t a choice—it’s a financial necessity. Treating early childcare as a parenting failure ignores both economic reality and the benefits that high-quality childcare can provide.
“Treating early childcare as a parenting failure ignores both economic reality and the benefits that high-quality childcare can provide.”
It’s a failure of our culture and society! But, not directly addressing the issue with the ones who have the choice doesn’t help. Unlike what our culture teaches, sex is not without consequences!
What some don’t realize is how little some daycare employees really do like children. I volunteered at a daycare in high school because I did love kids, and what I saw was a big reason I decided early not to send my future kids to one if I could help it. “Teachers” spent the vast majority of the day on their phones, ignoring destructive behavior, barely reacting when a child wanted to show off their craft or new trick, and often putting a movie on to make everyone just be quiet and leave them alone. I am not saying all daycares are like this, but it is absolutely vital that parents actually meet the employees and get an idea of what a day there really looks like. Just because the forward-facing staff seems wonderful and caring, does not mean that it’s translating to the actual care for the children.
My nieces mother put her in daycare at around 1 and has called it “school” the whole time. Makes me cringe.